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just asking her did she know your next class. Then she said 'Well why don't you call her and find out? Here's the number. She won't mind you calling.' She was very adamant about me calling you so I thought I would give it a try."
I looked at my mother. She laughed, shook her head, and jokingly proclaimed, "I present Erin Queen of all Queens. The heart thief with just one glance without a word spoken." I laughed too.
Anthony said, "Why are you laughing?" He sounded real nervous so.
"Oh I was just thinking about how much Ty wants me to get a boyfriend. She is always giving out my number."
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"Ok. I got a little nervous when you laughed. I thought it was something I said. But anyway how are you doing?"
" I am fine. Enough small talk," I decided to stir some things up a little. "I am going to cut to the chase. Are you calling me because you want a relationship, because you want to be my friend, or because you think you have a chance to get in my drawers?"
"I-I don't know. I mean friends and then from there we can see where it leads. You seem nice and real easy on the eyes but that doesn't mean you are girlfriend material. Anyone can bare the title of boyfriend and girlfriend but that doesn't mean relationship wise they are."
"Oh really? That's a pretty damn good answer. Ok then we can talk and then we will see where it leads."
Anthony and I talked for about four hours about our lives, things we like to do and what not. At the end of the conversation he told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend but only when I am ready to be and not just 'cause he was asking.
"Ok. I will think about it," I said.
"Whenever your rea-"
"Ok I'll be your girlfriend but for now and only for a little while we keep it to ourselves. I don't need any drama."
"I was thinking the same exact thing."
"Well I guess I will see you tomorrow Anthony."
"I guess I will Erin Deijhanique Bell."
I laughed, "Bye…pumpkin."
He laughed even harder, "Ok my little pop tart."
We both laughed for about two minutes straight and really said goodbye but of course with a few chuckles.
I felt pretty good after the phone conversation. I rarely went out or dated anyone but something about Anthony intrigued me. I mean he has all the qualities. He meets all of my first priority standards. So I was feeling pretty sure of myself. After writing a song for about five minutes I went to bed with Anthony on my mind.
A few weeks has gone by since I have talked to my sperm donor. He usually would've called by now. Maybe I really got through to him this time. Then again he just may be out with the next broad wasting his life away.
Well, as for Anthony and I we kept it secret for about three weeks and a few days, then it started spreading that we liked each other and then it went to someone spotting us at the movies holding hands. I finally told Anthony we need to tell our closest, and most dearest loud mouth friends we had so they could spread the news. Well of course you know who I told, Ty. I made sure to through in that little extra "…. And don't tell anyone. Keep it on the low." That gets her every time. She was so excited and what not. Saying she couldn't believe that I didn't tell her and that we kept it hush for so long blah, blah. I told Drea the second day we were going together but she didn't tell a soul and never mentioned it around Ty. To keep the air clear I gave her the heads up and told her to be prepared to have Ty call her and tell her about Anthony and me. Of course Drea would act surprised and get all excited with Ty.
School was great, life was great I didn't have a care in the world. That is until October th. It was a Friday and some close friends, Anthony and I were all over at my house watching some scary movie marathons on TV the day before Halloween. We are all eating popcorn, playing games, and reminiscing when the doorbell rang. I got up to answer the door and Anthony grabbed my hand, "Who is that?"
"I don't know. Want to come with me?"
"Thought you'd never ask."
I opened the door and guess who it was? It was my sperm donor himself. Out of all the times I had seen him pop up he never looked like this. Something wasn't right I could feel it. Anthony squeezed my hand letting me know he felt the same way. He finally looks up at me and then at Anthony. He opens his mouth real slow. "Hey sweetie, Erin….." he whispered and trailed off with the rest of his words.
I let him in the house. He didn't want to sit down so he stood shifting from foot to foot. Anthony still holding my hand firmly broke the silence. "Hello sir. I am Anthony."
"Yeah that's nice. What? You her nigga or somethin?" my father said with a new raspy voice. A raspy like he had been crying.
Anthony looked at me and then at him and before he could say a word I asked, "What do you want with us now? Is it money? Cause we aint got none."
"Naw I am over here to talk to you." He stated coyly
"About?"
"I am sorry Erin for being a punk ass father to you baby. I never meant to hurt you. I just wasn't ready and wasn't man enough to step it up," he reaches in his coat and pulls out a gun and points it to his head. "I guess I will never be man enough. All these broads and females I dun run in and out of didn't mean a damn thing. No matter how bad I did them I just moved on. With your mother it's different. I could never just leave her alone. Never could just keep on moving."
I finally said, "What are going to do with the gun?"
"I am going to do what I need to. Before I do anything I want to finish talking to you. Please don't cut me off again." He was serious and while talking using hand expressions with the gun in his hand. Waving it around like a flag on the fourth of July. After endless rambling he finally proclaimed, "Erin I wish I could a been more to you than I am or ever was. I will never be a real man. I really do love you. You're my baby girl, sweetie. Now I may not go to heaven but I will be going where I need to be. I love you and don't let anyone tell
you that you cant do or be anything. When you have my grandbaby by this young man here you teach him who he is. Don't let him be like your dad. Tell your mother that she was truly and forever will be my heart. I love you both."
Bam! Over just like that. I watched it in full action. For me it was in complete slow motion. He said, "I love you both," and pulled the trigger. I saw him slowly pull the trigger. Watched the bullet lodge into his temple and splatter blood like a rock hitting water. Watched his already lifeless eyes go blank. Go blank as if the went white. His hand went down, body went limp, and his lifeless body dropped to the floor. I was crying before because truth was not his forte, but tonight he told me what I believe to be true. I swear it seemed like an eternity standing there looking at him. Dead.
Anthony was all choked up when my father expressed himself the way he did. He was still holding my hand, I think. Our other friends rushed in and I heard screams and whimpers but didn't realize them. I didn't realize they were there until the Ambulance came. Moms was home by the time the Ambulance came. She cried and cried and I don't think so much for her but for me. My mother was talking to me and I was looking dead at her and didn't hear a thing she was saying. I just stared reenacting every stitch, every second, and every pulsating moment of that night.
As time went by I began to forgive myself. It took about two years to do it but I did it. I blamed myself for leading my father into a death so unrighteous. I finally realized that I was a freshman in college taking my singing to another level, with plenty of people to support me. To hell with self-pity. Anthony, Drea, Ty, Marcus, and Moms helped me realize that love is unconditional. They all stood by my side through thick and thin. Through this new revelation, I woke up one day and said out loud "I am Erin Deijhanique Bell not Joseph Bell. I am not at fault and a new life is ahead. No more crying! No more blaming!" I marched my ass into the shower, through some clothes on and went to the mall just to get out. I went by myself to prove to myself that I needed to worry about me. I only needed me and I could only change now and not the past. So I bought a new outfit with my money, change clothes at the mall, and went and picked up everybody one by one and spent some undepressing time with each of them especially Anthony, my fianc.
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